When Life has a Reasoning

The hardest thing for me growing up was always living with the fact that my dad passed away when I was a month and 10 days old from a heroin overdose. I lived in Colorado at the time but when this happened we moved to New York. On our car ride moving back, we were in a horrible car accident that we should of died in. But God saved us. I always grew up in a Christian household but finding God was something I thought I already did. But I didn’t and that’s why this was hard for me. My dad being gone was something that made it so easy for me to just get depressed.
School was fine for me until I reached third grade. That’s when my teacher started verbally abusing me. She would scream at me for saying thank you to someone who picked up the pencil I dropped. She would skip me while handing out class prizes. She would even tell me that nothing I did was ever good enough. One thing that really hurt me was when she took a bracelet off my wrist that I made in church and never gave it back. When my mom went in to get it, she said she threw it away. This caused me to go suicidal and to develop depression. I just wanted to be with my dad at this point. I would go to the nurses office everyday saying I felt like a bug in a windshield getting squashed over and over again by the wipers. They even tried to tell me I had a disability.
I got pulled out of school because things just got worse and then the whole class started treating me the way she did. I remember I would go home crying everyday in school. Fourth grade was okay. Kids weren’t nice but the teacher was.
Then fifth grade came around, and with where I lived, it was the first year of middle school. My counselor that I was assigned to would verbally hurt me. I had problems with other kids my age because of everything that happened in third grade and no one wanted to be my friend. Every time someone would blame something on me, she would take their side over mine. That’s when I started wearing black to school. Then someone dared me to start cutting so I did thinking maybe if they see I did something “cool” they would like me, but instead they made fun of me. I was treated like a disease, like someone no one wanted to even bother to look at. I had a couple friends but I was alone most of the time.
After fifth grade, we moved. At the new school, everyone wanted to know who I was. So I began to make friends. Then this one girl came into my life and became my best friend. So I thought. She eventually got jealous that I was talking to everyone, so she took her mom’s phone and brought up the bill $300 talking to my friends and blamed it on me. Sounds dumb I know but then her dad started threatening my mom. Let me remind you, my mom was single. So she had no choice but to go to the cops. When she saw that this wasn’t affecting me in school, she told the school I said I was going to kill her. When I was called into the office I was so confused about why I was there. Then they asked me questions regarding this and without even considering my side, they suspended me for what was supposed to be three days. They didn’t have proof that I even did anything so with a fight, I was back in school the next day.
At this point things were out of control. Everyone knew what was going on which is embarrassing since people chose sides and not as many people believed me as they believed her. When everything was supposed to be over, it just flared right back up again. I was sitting on the couch watching tv with my mom when I got a text message from my friend. I forgot to tell you, I had a phone since well, for a long time just so my mom always knew where I was. Anyways, when I opened the text, it was a picture of me with the wording, “Hi, my name is fatty mc fat pants. Every night at 11:59 I go out, drink a little theory to commit suicide. If you don’t send this to 10 people, I will come in your bed and rape you.” P.S. I’m bisexual and it was signed by someone I thought was my friend through it all, and I knew the other girl was involved too. So I threw my phone and started crying and my mom picked up the phone and saw what happened. Let me tell you, she was NOT happy.
The next day we were at the school, they said they couldn’t do anything and we had to take it to the cops, so we did. They told us they went to the houses of the girls and they admitted to doing it. It hurt because everything in the message was a lie and I got stabbed in the back. I was so embarrassed to go to school, but I did anyways.
By this time, my suicidal side flared up. Everyone was hurting me. I was trying to fit in. I became friends with the druggies and hung out with them and went wherever they went, telling my mom they were good and I wasn’t doing anything bad when that was just the opposite. I got back to cutting. I cried all the time, had no friends that were actually there for me, and was basically a nothing. I had plans to kill myself too, but I never followed through with them because a kid from another school found out and got me the help I needed by telling the school and they got me into counseling. Even when I didn’t want to go. My grades were horrible. I felt so low about my self.
In seventh grade, I was still cutting. Not as much or as bad, but I stopped hanging out with those kids as often as I did.
By eighth grade, they were almost gone. There’s a church across from the middle school that I went to and I tell you, they helped me a TON. My mom started dating at this time and I didn’t like it because I didn’t want anyone to replace my dad. But he was respectful to that and wasn’t even trying to. He just wanted to be my friend, and it was hard but it was working well. He has 3 kids and I got along with them fine. Just the fact that she was dating made me depressed, so I would go to the church when ever I could just to get away. The youth pastor showed me a slip that gave information about a snow camp they attend every year and asked if I wanted to go, but I didn’t. As time got closer he talked to my mom about me going. It was like three days before everyone went. So she asked me because there weren’t many spots left, and I just felt joy thinking about it and that was something that I usually never reached for, but I finally did. I took the leap. And I have to say, if it wouldn’t have been for that camp, I wouldn’t be saved. They showed me how much Jesus really does love me and how he cares about me and knows what I’m going though. It was the best time I’ve ever had. I’m so grateful I got to go.
When I got home, I changed my life, and even though it was hard staying strong, I did it! I was so happy! It’s the best decision I ever made.
Sometime after exams and school ended is when I went down though, not too far down, but down. I was at my mom’s boyfriends house with his kids one night and my friend was there with me. We were all hanging out and everything was fine until they came back. My mom was engaged. Ok, hold on a second. Did anyone think to ask me? Since I am the only child? I thought I deserved to be asked. So I was angry at this point. Not only was I angry but I just wanted to die. Nope, never was I going to allow this. I didn’t want to talk to my mom for a while. So I didn’t. It was my friend that helped me. He knows what it’s like to only have one parent and to want to guard them with your life. He knew how I felt, and he was there for me every step of the way. After a while it was like, whatever.
I got angry when people would ask if I was happy, because I wasn’t, but every time I said no, my mom would get mad. So I just shut my mouth. I got involved in stuff to keep me busy, but that meant for that school year, I had to move again. Not what I wanted to do, but God had a plan. I still wasn’t happy. Every day at that school, people would judge me for my faith. They would try to change me, but now I realize, that all along, they were jealous that I was okay even when I wouldn’t have been in a normal situation. They would write all over my stuff “666″ and draw the devil’s star on my planner. Every time I walked by, they would scream “hail satan!” And it would just hurt, but I didn’t let that show. Never was I going to take away my love for Jesus because of them. I wear a cross every day, and people would even ask to turn that upside down.
That was my last year in school. I’m now homeschooled and thankful for that. Being homeschooled helpes me stay strong in my faith even when the road gets bumpy. At this point, my mom’s married to the guy she was dating. He’s a nice guy. Not gonna lie, it took a while for me to want to accept him as a friend, but I did. I never told him I loved him. Only did that about two times, even though I really did want to say it. The hardest days for me at this point were my dad’s birthday, the day he died, and Father’s Day because I didn’t want to celebrate for anyone, but my dad. On September 30th He passed away. And on the inside it makes me feel guilty that I didn’t say I loved him more when I could of, because me loving him and accepting him is something he always wanted. He would try and try, but you can’t buy love. He was really good to my mom and I wouldn’t have asked for anyone else to protect her. He was the perfect one. It was sudden and wasn’t meant to happen. But I can be thankful that he was here and that we will get to see him again in heaven because he’s saved! He did a lot for me. Even when I wanted nothing, he did so much. The last day he was here, was the day that we got along the best. He woke me up and got me coffee, then he bought me new lights for my fish tank, and we smiled at each other. That was the last facial expression I got, but it was also the best. All I can do now is praise God that he’s up there, and that we will reunite with him. I do love him, and I love how he loved my mom. I’m thankful that I know Jesus. Without him life wouldn’t be worth living. I didn’t include my whole life, but I included a lot and I guess I’m going to close this by saying how much I love God and I’m so grateful for everything. Even when life doesn’t go the way I want it to I know it’s all for a reason.
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